I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Did you pee in the oven last night??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
