I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
