so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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