she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance