Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
