i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
