Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
