Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
