well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
