who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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