It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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