Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
