2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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