I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
