if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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