My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
