is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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