when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Terrible idea I love it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
