Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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