I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
