It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
