I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
