i need an iv and a liver transplant
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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