Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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