I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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