She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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