Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
