I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
