do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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