Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
