Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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