She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This is my gift to your gina
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
