saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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