You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
