i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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