I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
