I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
