I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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