she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
