I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
