If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
