Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
