Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
