I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
