spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
