I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Found the puke drawer
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
