The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
