I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
