This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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