Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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