Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
