on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sext me about skeletons
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
