he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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