my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
