theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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