So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
