I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
